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As teachers, we quickly become used to saying “no” to children: “No, you may not sit next to Jessica”; “No, you may not take the phone (or the smart watch or the calculator) into the exam”; “You may not copy, or push in or drop your litter on the floor.”

These “no”s are important because they help to teach children the unwritten principles of school culture: for example, hard work, honesty, turn-taking and respect for our shared environment and each other.

Once you move into school leadership, though, the number of “no”s, and the number of people to say “no” to, increases exponentially. This is perhaps particularly true - and particularly hard - in leadership of special educational needs and disabilities support.

Often when colleagues ask for something, what they are really doing is asking for help to manage a tricky situation. This makes it difficult to say “no”, even though the reality might be that there is no additional teaching assistant or extra space (or whatever else it is).

Requests may also come from within the wider professional team, such as from the local authority - as part of a consultation for a school place, for instance - and sometimes it’s up to you to say, “No, we cannot meet this child’s needs.”

Perhaps the most difficult people to say “no” to, though, are the families of children with SEND. What seems so reasonable in the context of the home or on social media does not necessarily translate into the classroom, especially the secondary school, where the ratio of adults to children is lower, departments are limited by tight budgets and there are only so many rooms or spaces available.

A school is a community where many, often competing, needs must be balanced as equitably as possible - all while keeping within what is financially viable. And nobody likes being told “no”.

So how do we say it and retain respectful relationships? Here are some strategies that have worked for me.

Give yourself thinking time

Practise phrases that will give you time to think about your response to a request or gather the information you need. Feeling pressured into a “yes” that you will later regret or have to row back on helps no one.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep or oversell a solution because this will only lead to frustration and annoyance further down the line. Instead, explain that the asker will have to wait while you gather your thoughts.

Remember, though, that waiting for an answer may be difficult, so keep them informed. Plan in time to meet with the person while they are waiting for your answer. And once you have a response ready, offer a follow-up meeting. Get other professionals involved in this meeting if necessary.

Listen and gather perspectives

Whatever the request, consult widely and try to speak to all stakeholders before giving an answer. Practise active listening. But be warned: many people think that listening equals agreeing. It does not.

Consider whether what they are asking for is reasonable. Is your answer lawful? Is there a workaround or a compromise? Is the request within your remit? Are you sure of your responsibilities regarding the Equality Act and SEND Code of Practice? If you are not responsible, do you know who is? Do you know who to ask or where to turn for guidance?

Think about the chain of command

When you have to say “no”, it can be helpful to think strategically about who is delivering this answer. Are you the first or last line in the “no” process?

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to put myself a rung further up the ladder, as it were. This means making sure that parents, in particular, have someone else to turn to (you) if they don’t like the first answer.

If you are both the first and the last line, the chances are the issue will escalate - more people will get involved, more emails will fly around, emotions will become strained on all sides and the situation will become an awful lot more difficult to sort out.

The option for them to refer their question “up” the ladder can help to diffuse tension.

Don’t get involved in a game of email tennis

Not every phone call or email needs an instant answer. Making sure that you devote set times to answering emails will build reflection time into your day and ensure that you don’t get sucked into volley after volley of quickly escalating responses.

Don’t be so determined to have the last word that you inadvertently fall into a game.

Regulate yourself emotionally

Just the same as when you are teaching a class, keeping your own emotions in check when someone else is emotional helps to keep you - and them - grounded. If this is something you struggle with, consider coaching for help.

Do not enter into arguments and discussions when emotions are high. You can’t reason someone into your way of thinking if they are not emotionally regulated. Instead, find another time to come back to the issue when everyone is feeling calmer.

Finally, be prepared for people not seeing your point of view. Nobody likes a “no”, but there are lots of times when there is no other option.

As a school leader, you will be the one who has to deliver the bad news many, many times. Think carefully about how you communicate it.

Nancy Gedge is a SENSS (special educational needs support service) resource base coordinator and Sendco at Oxfordshire County Council

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